Lessons that taught me about Empathy — 3 of them

My dog Samwise is the first lesson

I realized the other day when I caught myself in search of kinder words and against my usual abruptness.

Three things taught me about empathy and helped me be less judgemental. They all took place in the past five years.

My dog Sammie is no 1

He is a rescue, an early litter, we got him when he was 6 weeks old. Even though his age was a wide estimation. At the shelter, they told us he was found together with his brothers… somewhere on the hills, and his mother was presumed… somewhat killed. They were all (pups) sick with some disease and malnutrition and whatnot. He was the last of the pups to survive that ordeal, and we took him home. He was so clingy from the very beginning.

We named him Samwise. Yes, well-spotted - the Lord of the Rings fans.

But that does not mean he is a soft and domesticated dog! Don’t be fooled!

His DNA test showed a 10% split between Australian Kelpie, Whippet, and Bull Terrier, and the rest of the 90% is so split between other dog breads (each less than 3%) that is not worth mentioning. We call him our Kelpie or Wolfie sometimes when he has his wolf eyes.

To me that says that a whole line of generational hatred is summed up in this pup.

On the walks, he was cautious in windy weather (his ears flat on his head), jumpy at plastic bags and garbage rolling on the street, and flinched at sudden noises, he sniffed the bloody autumn leaves for years until he stopped running away from them, and hated the postman; he barked at knocks on the door, he got scared of a sale house signage and at cars on the street. Hey — the other day he barked at the inflated Santa on our neighbour's lawn!

Soon enough he started to growl at our hugs, snap at our hands when rubbing his belly, and turned into a forcefully pulling dog, that never listened. He grew up bigger and bigger, he is over 25 Kg now. He was always boisterous and full of energy — which made his aggression even worse and misunderstood.

He jumped and attacked other dogs, and did not like any other people except the known family or close friends we got him used with. People could not touch him so we were extremely cautious with socialising.

Constantly watch and learn! Don’t make sudden gestures, warn him when you step closer, don’t corner him, don’t look him in the eyes, don’t hug him tight, and reach from a side so he does not perceive it as a threat, or offensive.

We trained with a professional for obedience, commands, and games with food hidden in toys and towels, and he is such a smart dog! Like a little soldier, he executes everything, he sniffs to find everything, and he is eager to please us. We read a lot and tried so many ways to help calm and relax. He bit dogs and people and we were close to losing him.

The doctor said he was ‘not quite alright’ and ‘he is very anxious’. (does this sound familiar in the world of the humans?)

I refused to put him on medication. Our focus was to keep him and others safe with hard training with heel walk, with the muzzle and mainly keeping the distance.

Why would you expose him to a situation that we already know he hates? How many times do we use this advice for people?

We tried desensitizing exercises, and games that would make him use his paws, and brain to get to the food, and play soccer (until he got his ligament surgery).

The trainer told us that Sammie is a frightful dog, and right now ‘you have a boisterous stubborn teenager on your hands’ that fights you and tries to get his way.

Why would he be afraid? I do everything I can for him, I play with him, feed him, and shelter him.

Well, showing love to a pup is like showing love to a teenager, he said, and that did it for me. It finally clicked.

I was a single mother to not one but 2 strongly opinionated high IQ kids and boy they made me work hard on the single parent part.

It seems that the anxiety keeps him frightened, so much so that he feels the need to constantly be alert and protective, mostly with me - his owner.

My dog was afraid for my safety! (we would do the same for our family!)

During the Covid, I worked from home. I set him up with picnic blankets on the living room carpet (he sheds lots of hair). He stared at me for long minutes, wanting something, asking something. A treat (too many already), a toy (they were around him), but he stared.

And I stared back (so I was making a gamble here) and I stared for long moments until we locked eyes.

His eyes were suddenly sad. No, they did not ‘turn into’ sad eyes, I was the one just perceiving it at that moment!
His eyes were filled with a feeling of sorrow and despair that I had not seen before. That brought tears to my own eyes. Behind Sammie’s look, I did not see his anger, aggression, or his wolf-eyes anymore, I saw the pain. A pain that cut through me.

How much pain are you hiding behind those eyes, my love?

It was a revelation I did not expect. There is a big difference between being an aggressive dog and being a dog in pain. You figured by now I do not mean physical pain.

Ever since that day, I changed my way around him, I speak with him as if he understands my words, and in an extremely caressing tone, motherly and soft. I am not exaggerating, if you hear me speaking with him you’ll think I am mad. I put all my love in my voice, and I whisper close to his ears.

Whispers of words like Sammie-my-boi, my-lovely-boi, I-love-you and I-know-you-love-me-to. Dogs don’t understand words, I think you know that, but they can associate repeated words as being a command or with a feeling.

Now I am convinced he can ‘hear’ me and when his tail is wagging slowly in the rhythm of my words, and he comes and places his chin in my palm and lets me kiss him, that is when my heart is so warm and the soul so fuzzy and filled with love for him that I think — right now, this is when is going to happen — Sammie is a magic dog and in the next instant he will speak and will answer to me.

I showered him with words of love and that did the trick. He gets better by the day. He is still protective and cautious but he is more relaxed and now he comes to us for the pat and sits there and listens to the words.

So, you see, it’s easy to label people as emotionally immature, and judge them in a self-centered way — why are they, not the perfect human beings that you do not have to walk on eggshells around? It’s so easy to throw at them words about insecurity, lack of confidence, weakness, and judge and criticize and criticize and judge!

Not because we know better, not even because we are better, but because we are also in pain.

Maybe is not the same pain as my dog, but something raw from deep inside is hiding away behind a show of words.

And this was number 1. Ah, unfinished post? I am such a liar I promised 3 things in the title. Well, everybody promises all kinds of miraculous solutions and you’ll have to come back for the rest of it.

After all, it’s Christmas and I don’t have time now.



Merry Christmas to you and your family and look into the eyes of the others and behind the sadness and insecurity and you’ll see that maybe they only need a bit of love instead of being judged.